Everybody talks about how to make friends as an adult, but I want to talk about how to keep them. My friendships in my thirties are real demonstrations of the hindsight of my twenties. Friendshipâą has been through the ringer the last couple of years and I reckon weâve never worked harder to hold onto the people we love as our lives got peeled back like a palm tree in a tsunami.
I am far from the perfect friend and arguably even further from the healthiest adult, but here are 3 lessons my friendships taught me this year that might help you and your friendships too.
Lesson #1: The people you love are not the Scary Monsters you make them out to be in your head.
Sometimes I worry that my friends find me super annoying. When that happens, my mind goes to a dark place and re-illustrates my friends into these snide, catty gargoyles who literally gag at the sight of my text notifications and roll their eyes at every Instagram story I post. The longer I go without making direct contact, the bigger the monster grows, like one of Hershelâs horrible Hanukkah goblins just waiting to tell me what a crappy friend/cringey person I am.
The worst thing you imagine your friend thinking about you is a thought your friend has never had. The truth is that we are a lot meaner to ourselves than even our meanest enemies would think to be because we know all the nasty nooks and crannies to make those cuts the deepest.
The Scary Monster makes me presumptuous. It tells me stories by filling in the blanks with whatever it wants and assigning untrue projections to someone I love without their consent. The longer I let the Scary Monster run my friendship, the less active I am in actually being a good friend, AKA communicating my feelings and making space for my friend to do the same.
The truth is that â *even in cases where I am being annoying or have done something to upset my friend* â a face-to-face (or FaceTime) conversation always reveals my soft, compassionate, funny, loving friend and the Scary Monster deflates, just like that scene in Space Jam.
Donât let your anxiety make a problem out of a missed opportunity to communicate.
Lesson #2: Healthy adults donât expect you to anticipate their needs.
For me personally, this lesson is also known as âyour adult friends are different people than your parents are.â I grew up perfecting the balancing act of predicting what might be upsetting to my parent and what I could do to either avoid it altogether or alleviate the results. Despite working on this nuanced relationship in therapy, I didnât realize the way the dynamic was showing up in my other relationships as an adult.
Isnât it the worst when you realize that friction in a friendship is being caused by something youâre projecting on someone else that isnât true? Damn.
This realization came to a head one night during a particularly self-loathing spiral in which I was frustrated with myself for, once again, anticipating someoneâs needs only to have them not reciprocate the favor. I had bumped up against some (purely one-sided) tension with a fiercely independent friend and found in a moment of clarity that the source of my frustration wasnât actually the source of the bigger issue.
Not only did I need to adjust my expectations of others looking out for me (a hard enough pill to swallow), but I needed to adjust my expectations of myself looking out for them â because I was the only one expecting that of myself. Boom.
Lesson #3: If adult friends are the ones you choose, adult friendships are the ones you choose to make time for.
One of the friendships that I consider to be both my closest and oldest only dates back to 2013. For me, that was one year post-undergrad, a time that aligns with a shift in the friendships I had because of convenience and the friendships I went out of my way to pursue.
When I gave the Maid of Honor speech at her wedding, I spoke to the fact that our largely long-distance friendship was one we chose and had to actively keep choosing, because we werenât just going to see each other in class or get scheduled on shift together to stay up-to-date on each otherâs lives.
Marriage, it turns out, adds another layer of distance to friendships already divided by half a country and demanding careers. Throw in a global pandemic, and the âhowâs it goingâ texts become not only few and far between, but borderline offensive. So how do you combat it all and keep your friendship alive?
You put it on the calendar. You pencil it in your schedule alongside priorities like âcall in prescriptionâ or âvisit family for the holidays.â Youâre the rule maker of your life and you decide not only whatâs important but also how you honor those important things.
With this closest-and-oldest friend, we scheduled a week-long visit in the same city to cosplay what life would like if we lived nearby instead of trying and failing to schedule consistent Zoom calls. Another long-distance bestie and I have an hours-long virtual âcoworkingâ sesh on the weekend to keep each other company while we work on our respective creative projects. One of my best local babes and I have entered a new phase of friendship where rather than making Capital-P Plans, our off-the-cuff hangs consist of catching up over chores, because itâs not the what weâre doing that matters, itâs that weâre doing it together.
I hope this brings you an a-ha moment in your own friendships (whether that be a lesson you can take with you or validation that youâre already knocking it out of the park as a healthy adult/friend) and I hope this helps you be on the lookout for cool discoveries in your own adult friendships. đ±
Editorâs Note: After writing this portion of the newsletter, all 3 of these lessons came up organically in conversation with noted Healthy Adult Friends. At first I thought that was strange and kismet, but what I really think it is is that my healthiest adult friends are always in active communication about how our friendships are evolving. We work to not make assumptions about each other and instead plainly say how weâre feeling, ask for what we need, and ask how we can support each other. It isnât clunky. It isnât novel. Itâs cozy and secure and uncomplicated and freeing.
As we welcome the second new moon of 2022 tonight (1/31), we also welcome the Lunar New Year tomorrow (2/1), celebrated by East and Southeast Asian cultures and beginning the Hindu, Buddhist, Islamic, and Jewish calendars. So if you werenât ready for all the New Year vibes January had to offer, you get another shot. And the energy around this moon is particularly major because both Venus and pesky Mercury retrogrades are coming to a close!
I wonât pretend to be an astro-expert in the slightest, but I will offer you some reflections to help you usher in this new moon and new year with tenderness and clarity.
HEY, WHATâS THE MOON LOOK LIKE RN?
Today, 1/31/22, the moon is: New đ
What it means, according to NASA: This is the invisible phase of the Moon, with the illuminated side of the Moon facing the Sun, away from the Earth. In this phase, the Moon is in the same part of the sky as the Sun and rises and sets with the Sun.
Reflections: I am struck by the reminder that the moon is fully bright in the view of the sun; the side I canât see. In that, I am holding the truth that there is good waiting for me that hasnât been revealed to me yet. My word for 2022 is PATIENCE, something Iâve struggled with my whole life and really have to practice. Itâs not lost on me that I needed a reminder that the moon will appear bright again â that I will be able to see the good thatâs waiting for me â so long as Iâm patient.
+ Do you choose a theme or word for a new year? If you havenât chosen one for this year, is anything coming up for you right now that you think might be valuable for you to pay attention to?
+ Do you feel any personal significance to the beginning of the lunar year? If so, what is your relationship and how can you honor it tonight and tomorrow?
+ If you view this as a âsecond chanceâ at a clean slate for your year ahead, what are you leaving behind from January?
+ What do you hope this new lunar year has in store for you?
âWhen it comes to things I like, Iâve got great taste.â â my Real Housewives tagline
Iâve been loving The Kwendy Homeâs Lunar New Year celebration content and I especially canât stop thinking about this tutorial for bing tang hulu.
Curious about tonightâs new moon and what the current transits mean for you? I learned a lot from this planetary play-by-play.
I always love to read Etsyâs trend forecast for the year.
On the hunt for the comfiest underwear in all the land? This underwear bracket is for you.
Something I always get weirdly excited about: new emojis!
On my wishlist: this romantic puff-sleeve top, these Valentineâs-ready earrings, this emotional beanie, these purple jeans (come in other colors!), and this convertible colorblock belt bag.
*P.S. This section includes affiliate links. Thanks for supporting me so I can continue to produce content that is free for you to enjoy!
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Thanks for hanging out for some JELLY TOAST and Iâll see you next time!
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With love from Austin,
Nic